Poverty, Violence, and Hope
By Tserangdrolma (Daisy)
Tserangdrolma is from
Daocheng county, Ganze prefecture, Sichuan Province, China. She is currently pursuing an Associated degree in English from Qinghai Normal University Nationalities Department's English Training Program.
In a remote village, there are no roads or electricity. People have little chance to communicate with the outside world. They do not have a high view of education. As a result, the vast majority of people are illiterate. Most of those who go to school are not able to go further than the local town middle school due to poor family conditions and parents' negative perspective about education. Lack of interaction with outsiders makes them think that they can survive easily without education. Most of the graduated students cannot find a job, so the villagers think education is a waste of money and time. They think that it is better to save money for other reasons and train their children to do farm work. Students also do not have a positive attitude about going to school. Since they have no educated role models, they go to school just to pass time and have fun.
Growing up in this kind of environment, I myself also wandered into this stream when I was in primary and middle school. The poverty and violence that plagued my family commanded all of my attention. My family never asked me how I was doing at school. They were so absorbed in their quarrels they did not seem to care. So I did not care either. I reckoned that I would only go as far as middle school before dropping out. I went to school so that my childhood would pass quickly. If it wasn't for my mother's love and encouragement, I would have continued on this path. My mother woke me up from my stupor and showed me her love and support when I was about to give up. She taught me this most important life lesson: despite hardships and suffering, you must always strive for self-reliance, and struggle for what you really want.
Hardships and Suffering
Brought up in a family plagued with poverty and violence, I was a pessimistic and narrow-minded girl in my early school life. Like a sheep wandering on the grassland, I had no aim in going school. I cannot remember how I did in school, but I can clearly recall every scene of violence and how poor my family was.
I still remember clearly one of the most violent family battles that happened one March, about two months before the next harvest. Although we still had several weeks left before we could replenish our food supply, the stored grain had been eaten up, and the whole family gathered together to discuss the matter and figure out a way to sustain ourselves. We had no money. So we had to figure out how to survive over the next two months with no food and no income.
Instead of working out a solution, my grandparents and my parents counted who wasted food the most and everyone found one person in the family to blame. "You didn't work hard enough on the field last year, so the harvest is not big enough to feed these hungry animals (us children),” my grandparents said with expressions on their faces like those our teachers have at school when we did something wrong. Their faces were twisted with anger so we children did not dare say anything, even though we knew that it was unfair to blame everything on other people and make themselves look so innocent. But my parents could not bear their accusations and they were not afraid of them like we were. So my mother responded, "Why didn't you come to the field and work yourselves instead of drinking all the time and quarreling with each other?"
First it was just a verbal fight, but soon after it led to a massive battle. My grandparents could not listen to my mother any longer, and my grandfather finally lost his temper. He began to pick up whatever convenient thing he could find to throw at my mother and the whole family tried to stop him. When we controlled him and he could not move anymore, he spat on everyone's face and cursed everyone. Soon the house was filled with shouting, the sounds of things breaking and the crying of children; anyone that passed by our house knew that the family was in a battle. When everyone was tired, the fighting came to an end. They finally remembered what their purpose was. Waking up from the trance they started their journey to relatives' homes to borrow grain. Battling is not a good method for solving problems, yet they kept doing it routinely. Fear and not feeling safe sent the whole family into violence.
Growing up in this kind of tumult, I could not see any light in front of me. I did not know what the future could look like because of the problems of the present. I even forgot what I was supposed to do in the school because I was so involved with the family conflicts. I was sitting in the classroom, but my thoughts were always on my family battles. I never imagined that something happy was going on in the family, just terrible things. I even imagined that one of the family members would be killed in one of the fights. I never thought about my future. I just thought it was completely dependent on the family, and that I could not take a step without my family in mind.
To make matters worse, my school fees were also a contentious issue in the family. Being very traditional, my grandparents thought that it was a waste of money to send me to school when the family had little money to use for daily needs. They thought the school was asking money for nothing since they had not needed to pay anything to go to school during their childhood. And school education is not needed for work in the field; they could teach me perfectly how to work in the field free of charge. For my grandparents, a poor farmer's daughter's destiny is in the field, not elsewhere. On the other hand, my parents thought I should at least get some basic education. Again they cursed each other a lot and things went on unchanged. Seeing all of this in the family made me hopeless about the future. How could I hope for the future when I have such huge troubles to pass in the present? Just pass all the exams, and do not lose face in front of my classmates, that's all. Other than that, I had no ideas. Fate knows, I thought.
Mother's wake-up call
I graduated from the local town middle school in a reverie. "Take the entrance exams and wait to see what the family says. If I have the karma to be a scholar, everything will go smoothly without me doing anything," I told myself. I did not do too badly on the exams since I studied well to not lose my face. It would be a loss of face to not receive an acceptance letter from any school even though I knew I would not be able to go on to school. As a result I got an acceptance letter from a school that was far away from my home. No one had ever heard of this school before and I myself did not know where that school is except that it was very far away from my home county and the transportation would cost me a lot of money. In my grandparents' opinion the school was too far away from my home and they were afraid that I would not be able to manage by myself. "Too bad, the family income is extremely bad this year, you don't have the destiny to go on to school, my poor little poor girl," said my father with a grin. I knew that he felt bad for not being able to send me on to school, but he also thought that the family condition was clear and right in front of my eyes and that I should understand the situation. He could do nothing to change the situation. He believed it was a poor man's fate to not be able to reach his goals or do what he wants. My brother and sister-in-law said nothing on this point except to nod their heads in agreement with my father. My mother was not at home at that moment, so I was not able to go to school with her support that year. The rest of the family members showed me the expression of "none of their business.”
When September came, my classmates in the village left for their new schools one by one. I watched their happy faces at the moment they left for school and the families said goodbye and I felt a twist in my stomach. I had to put up with the villagers' “curious” questions about whether I was going to go to school. I cried a lot at night, but I did not cry for not being able to achieve my goal or dream. I cried from the humiliation of not being able to go to school like other students in my village and having to bear with the villagers' sarcastic questions about whether I would go to school soon.
One day, near the beginning of October, I was sitting alone in the third floor of our home from where I could see all the scenery around the house, the mountains that surrounded our village, when my mother came up and said to me that she had something to discuss with me. She looked very serious and as if she did not know how to begin the conversation. Her uneasiness told me that this is not something pleasant, but something that I would not like to hear. "Your grandfather Tashi thinks that you'd better marry the Chinese carpenter. He said life would be much easier for you this way…. What do you think?" she said painfully. She moved her eyes away from me and pretended to look at the mountains that were far away. Her facial expression told me that she was afraid to hurt me and she was anxiously waiting for my answer.
A long silence followed.
Thoughts raced through my mind. How could my dear educated grandfather Tashi have suggested this? Why was he encouraging me to marry early instead of encouraging me to go to school? Anger began to swell inside of me. If my mother was asking me about marriage business, it must mean that the whole family had discussed it and had come to an agreement that I should marry this Chinese man. Did I even have a choice? What else would I do, if I was not going to school? I would marry away sooner or later, so why not now? My anger filled me until I could no longer remain quiet. Although I was ready to burst, I pretended to be very calm and said to my mother in a calm tone, "I will do it. It seems that this is only way for me to survive in this world and I know that you guys are very eager to get rid of me. So why not."
I did not look at my mother because I was afraid that I would burst into tears or show my mother a sign that I did not want to marry this Chinese man at all. I did not want to show my weakness to these heartless people because I thought that they were all in agreement to "get rid of" me. I waited for a long time to hear my mother's response, but I heard nothing. I peeked at her from the corner of my eyes.
I was shocked! Tears were rolling down her ruddy and pallid cheeks. I felt the passion to cry myself, but I managed not to by looking away from Mother and biting my lips really hard. I did not know how to respond, so I just stayed silent. After what seemed one hour my mother said through her tears, "I didn't expect you to give me this kind of answer. I discussed this business with the family last night and they said marrying the Chinese carpenter is not too bad. I was so disappointed in them, especially your father and brother. I thought they would act like men, but you know what, they are just like two timid rabbits. I cried the whole night for your sake, but now you give me this kind of attitude. I was totally wrong about you. I thought that you had a big ambition to go to school."
I knew that I was wrong about Mom and understood why she cried so bitterly. I knew how it feels when people, especially those whom one cares a lot about, misunderstood you and accuse you of something that is not true. So I said regretfully, "Ma, I don't mean to hurt you. I am just so desperate about failing to go to school and now this marriage idea totally surprised me. I am outraged that you adults should have this idea for me. Frankly, I don't have any idea about marriage; this is an alien idea. I'd rather choose death than marriage right now. I apologize for what I said to you just a moment ago. I thought that I didn't care about school, but now I know that I do care about school a lot after watching all my classmates go to new schools and having to face the villagers' many curious questions. But I have no one to guide me or give me any ideas. Instead this alien idea came to me. So I hope Mother would understand my feeling." Mother responded, "Then why not struggle for what you really want? I know that you are used to school life and want to continue. Why don't you express yourself in front of the family at once and persuade them to send you to school? You are such a coward, what did you learn at school? To be passive and pessimistic?"
Mother laid a lot of questions in front of me and looked directly into my eyes. At this moment, my outlook on life changed. My long sleeping soul was awakened by my mother's interrogation. I realized how blind I had been to my mother's love and perspectives before. She is poor and illiterate, yet she is a thousand times more ambitious than I am. She inspired me right away and I determined to take the entrance exam next year so I would be able to return to school again. Next, I persuaded my family to send me to school. They did not all agree, but I was satisfied with some of their support in addition to Mother's. I knew deep inside myself that even with no support, I must struggle to meet my goals.
New Life
After the night that my mother spoke to me, my perspective on life changed completely. Instead of being pulled down by my family's conditions, they became the strength to help me face difficulty in school. I decided to go back to my former middle school to take the entrance exam once more and try to do better. Going back was a disgraceful thing to do at that time. Going back to a former school when one had already graduated meant that I failed the entrance exam, no school had accepted me or my family was not able to afford to send me to the school that admitted me. Therefore, people look down on this kind of student, including the teachers. Plus, I received no encouragement from many relatives and teachers. They even told me that it was futile to take this step. I felt terrible having to face all these situations. But I still held my head up because this was my own choice. In the end, my determination paid off: I retook the test, and was placed in a very good school near my home.
I swore that I would study hard at school because I had not earned this chance easily. After seeing very clearly what my future would have looked like without an education - an early marriage and children - I realized just how important education is. I not only wanted to take advantage of education for myself, but also bring this opportunity to others. I aspired to become a teacher. At my new school I realized that this would not be an easy task. I can still clearly remember one lecture from one of my great teachers who told us about a teacher who had graduated from a college and still did not have enough skill to teach primary students. At that moment I felt the challenges and demands I would face in trying to become a teacher.
So, I studied as hard as possible in order to prepare myself for a teaching career in the future. I had a great chance to listen to a lot of good teachers' lessons and lectures. As a result I was the top one in my class for one year in Kangding Normal School. After one year I received a golden opportunity, the chance to go to the English Training Program (ETP) at Qinghai Normal University to study English and Tibetan. I received a scholarship that paid for my school fees and transportation fees for two years.
Shy girl goes to college
The minute that I arrived at Qinghai Normal University, my struggle took on a new meaning. I was totally put into in a new learning environment with foreign teachers. In all of my classes, the students talked more than the teachers. I was not used to this kind of teaching method and I was an extremely shy to talk in front of the whole class. So I just kept my mouth tight in the classes and seldom raised my hand to answer the teachers' questions. One day, my teacher made it clear to me that this would no longer be acceptable.
One morning, my teacher gave an exercise paper to all of the students who talked during class, and on purpose did not give it to the girls who had been so quiet. I thought it might be a mistake, but now I realized that he did this on purpose: He wanted us to stand up and ask for the exercise paper using our loudest voice. I quietly asked for the paper several times, but I was not loud enough and the teacher refused me.
In that moment, it seemed that I had forgotten everything I had learned about struggling. I gave up, and felt like I was going to cry. I just sat at my desk and drew pictures while others were doing the exercise. Some time later the teacher came to me, and I was glad because I thought that he would give the paper to me. However, he asked me to leave the classroom to draw pictures if I was not interested in his classroom. I insisted not to leave for a moment, but the teacher told me that if I did not leave the class would not have a teacher for the rest of the class. I was chased out of the classroom and I felt so miserable that I cried for the rest of the day and considered leaving for home. When I became calm again, I realized that it was my own fault. The whole class could do what the teacher asked, why couldn't I? I had this opportunity that was very rare to come here to the ETP, but now what am I doing? What happened to me?
I asked myself whether I wanted to continue to study here or leave for home forever. I remembered what my mother had said to me years ago, and I decided to apologize to the teacher. I did the next day and I sensed that I would not be allowed to do the same thing again. It would not be so easy next time.
Beginning with this experience, I knew that shyness and silence should not be a student's traits during classes and I forced myself to speak up although my voice still trembled a lot. It was better to speak with a trembling voice than to be dropped out of the class, even the school. It began not to matter so much for me to speak in front of the class, though the process to get to this state was not easy at all for me.
The future
Now I am full of confidence and hope for my future. I have overcome being cowardly and passive. I learned to struggle my own way up, not to wait for others to pull me up. I have experienced the sweetness of dreams becoming truth and success. I have passed the band four exam after learning English for about three years. I take gender class in my leisure time with an American teacher. We look at women's conditions in different societies and throughout history, especially the conditions of Tibetan women. I am sure I am among the first Tibetan women to take gender class and discuss issues such as gender imbalances. So, I want to do something for Tibetan women who are living in poor conditions like myself. I want to be a role model for my village. I want to make the villagers aware that education is not a waste of time. It is worthwhile. So, I am designing a development project right now to help the women in my village (Gala Village, Dapcheng County, Ganze Prefecture, Sichuan Province) and improve their impoverished community.
Although I was a girl without ambition during my impoverished and violent childhood, Mother taught me to struggle for my goals and be confident. She encouraged me to put what I have in mind into action. My accomplishments in school have direct connections to my hard work, but without Mother's effort I would now be married already and have children. Mother gave me the chance to understand the outside world and the breadth of it. My family is still very poor, but I am not afraid of anything, because I am confident and my whole family now supports me. I have demonstrated my ability to them and they do not doubt me anymore. But I am not satisfied with the knowledge I have right now. I will always find a way to improve myself. My goal is to help other girls like me gain an education. I want to do something to improve the poor educational conditions in which students cannot learn and help people who are poor. Using myself as an example, I want to show young Tibetans, girls and boys, that a future without poverty and hope is available.
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